Diary of a Wimpy Mom

Boot Camp: Day 2

Today was all about creative counting. Drill Sergeant started out with a surprise for us. (I don’t know about you, but I like my surprises to come in small blue boxes with white ribbons, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have one of those.) He walks up from out of nowhere and tells us to drop everything except our water bottles. Apparently someone had complained that we weren’t getting enough cardio. (What idiot said that?!) We trudge back across the parking lot to put everything in the car then Drill Sergeant says, “Run!”

We make our way down Mays to the Starry parking lot where we find a big ole’ box full of Girl Scout cookies. (I think we need a cookie break. Drill Sergeant says not so much. I think Drill Sergeant is testing us.)

We run down to the back parking lot of the Beauty School to find our stations scattered throughout the parking lot. I swear this guy is going to be the death of me. He has reverse pull up bars tied to a chain link fence, split-level push-ups, a step side crunch thing, that damn gargantuan weight bar for more squats, another weight station, and another gargantuan weight bar for crunches and roll outs.

I know you’re thinking "well that doesn’t seem so bad." Yeah right. During the pull up thing the three of us are working it so fast, that fence just about gave out (so did we). And, I did all of this with the sorry excuse of a circle mat that was as big as my butt, as thick as a sheet of paper, and positioned on top of a pointy rock. Yes, I did 50 reverse pull ups sitting with a rock up my ass! Well, it probably wasn’t 50, because that was when I decided that some creative counting was in order. Whenever Brownie was done, I was done.

We moved on to the split-level push-ups. Yes, good ol’ regular push-ups aren’t good enough for this guy. I thought I was going to lose my left arm. It really isn’t cut out for that kind of strain, and when Brownie and Blondie were done, I was done.

At station 3 we had to stand on the ground with one foot on this HUGE step thing that was on the grass - up on the curb. Then we had to do this step up side crunch thing. I thought I was going to die. My legs have never burned so bad in my life. We were supposed to do 50 on each freaking side. Dude, I started counting by 5s.

I couldn’t possibly run to the next station so I’m shuffling along and Drill Sergeant yells, “Taylor on your toes, get to movin’ there are people coming up behind you.” Drill Sergeant must also be blind, because everyone else was dragging their asses too.

Drill Sergeant must like squats with that gargantuan weight bar thing because that was station 4. HELLO! Didn’t we just finish working that muscle group, because that muscle seems to think so!

There he goes again, “Taylor you’re supposed to run between stations.” “I did – you missed it,” I retort.

At station 5, Drill Sergeant wanted us to balance on one foot with the other foot in the air behind us while lifting weights. Who does he think we are – trapeze artists? It actually wasn’t all that hard, but Brownie and Blondie were really having a hard time balancing. They got me laughing so hard I thought I was going to go ass over tea kettle.

The last station involved the crunches and roll outs. We have to balance the gargantuan weight bar thing on our feet and do crunches. I can finally do this. But, Brownie gets through a few of them and pants, “I can’t do these, I’ll have to do ‘em at home.” (Seriously? We paid to work out with this guy and she’s going to do stuff at home? Whatever.) With the peanut gallery going I was laughing so hard I couldn’t get to 25.

We flip over with our hands on the weight bar and knees on the ground and (no kidding) roll the bar along the ground using our abs and arms. Blondie shouts out to Drill Sergeant that she can’t do these because SHE just had a baby. She gets a pass – what a B****.

So, Blondie takes it upon herself to start telling Brownie how she’s doing it all wrong, and all of a sudden she is cracking up laughing. I look over to see Brownie spread eagle with her face in the ground – the bar had slipped out from under her from doing it Blondie's way. I’m sorry, but there is nothing funnier than seeing a person fall – especially if they aren’t hurt.

Drill Sergeant comes over to see what all the commotion is about (I don’t think we are supposed to laugh that loud in boot camp). Brownie tries to recreate what she was doing, and Drill Sergeant tells her she's doing it all wrong and makes her do it the way she was doing it in the first place and she tells him so. He asked her why she thought she was doing it wrong and Brownie retorted that “Blondie over there, the one sitting on her butt, was telling me that I was doing it wrong.”

We got to do that lovely set twice, and if you thought my counting was creative the first time, you should’ve heard it the second time.

We regroup for our water break before heading back, and Drill Sergeant had apparently emailed out a food chart thing for us to follow. Some schmuck in the back (probably the one that said we weren’t doing enough cardio) complained that he can’t possibly eat as much as Drill Sergeant wants him to eat. Dude, that is soooo NOT my problem. I love food way too much. I make sure to let Drill Sergeant know that I’ll get right on that diet plan when I get the form. He says that isn’t a problem, I should’ve known then to keep my mouth shut.

So, I’m thinking instead of running back, someone should go get my car. When I suggested this to Drill Sergeant, he didn’t seem to think it was a good idea. In fact, he met me on the way back to give me my food chart and daily food journal to start following immediately.

Brownie beat us back to the car, and with a perky smile tells us “Hey, Baskin Robbins has 31 cent scoops today til 10 “. I offer to spot Brownie and Blondie a scoop. We get to Baskin Robbins and there are like 30 people waiting in a line that is bigger than the dinky Baskin Robbins. We proceed through the drive thru with Brownie yelling in the back, “Get a car!” (I’m glad the windows were rolled up.) “I don’t know why they’re just standing there.” We go around the back to the drive-thru and the damn thing is closed. We have to drive by the crowd gathered out front and they are laughing their asses off at us as we drive by without our sweet treat. I was really looking forward to a nice refreshing daiquiri ice in a sugar cone. I think Drill Sergeant is testing us again. Damn Drill Sergeant.

Diary of a Wimpy Mom

Boot Camp - Day 1:
So, two of my girlfriends, we'll call them Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum for this story talked me into this 6-week boot camp (maybe I should be Tweedle-dum). So, scratch that, we'll call them Brownie (no relation to the Katrina "Heck of a job Brownie" that I'm aware of) and Blondie, and yes, that leaves me as Tweedle-dum. "It'll be fun!" they said. "We'll look gooooood!" they said. Whatever...

So, we start out with the indignity of having to weigh ourselves in front of everyone else and record it on a permanent card that has our name on it. During that process, Blondie tries so hard to sneak a peak at Brownie's weight on the scale, that she practically has her head in between Brownie's legs. I wished I'd had my camera for that! Brownie had told us to "GET BACK!"

If that wasn't humiliating enough, we then had to take turns with the measuring tape and measure our thighs (URGH), our arms - Drill Sergeant said to get that part that "waves back when you wave", and our belly (Seriously?!) and call out these measurements to each other - Yea me! So, the three of us take turns measuring. Any delusions I had of being only slightly larger than I was in high school completely went out the door. Drill Sergent doesn't want you having happy delusions. It turns out that Blondie and I are about the same size - measurements and all. Of course, Blondie bimbo just had a baby, which she made sure to mention. I had a baby too - 5 years ago.

One might think that the worst is over, and one would be wrong.

Drill Sergeant proceeds to guide us through our stations. Let me tell you that 50 reps doesn't sound so bad when you are just visiting each station as he demonstrates. It takes on a whole new meaning when you are doing the squats with a gargantuan weight bar thing with weights on the end, and jumping over obstacles, and doing pull ups, and incline push ups, and these weird sit up side twist kick things while holding the gargantuan weight bar thing over your head, and finishing up with weights that you have to squat with (didn't we do those already?) and lift over your head. What's Drill Sergeants' obsession with weights over your head????!!!

So, Brownie and I (we had to pair up) finish up our "set" and I find out that we are supposed to do that whole thing 2 (that is 1 and 2) T-W-O more times. At this point, my arms are barely functioning, and Drill Sergeant is yelling at me to "run on my toes" in between stations. He doesn't seem to understand that my ass was left back at station 2 and my arms fell off at station 4.

But, we get a water break (I had already had a few of those, but we won't let Drill Sergeant know that). Drill Sergeant announces that we are going to quickly stretch. Sweet - I can do that! I get a mat to sit down on and everything. It turns out that somehow in Drill Sergeant's over developed muscle mind he thinks that more push ups and holding oneself up in a push up is a stretch. Yeah, I had to skip some of the "stretching". I think Drill Sergeant had a bar bell dropped on his head and forgot that stretching does NOT include push ups of any kind.

We finish up our "stretching" and move on to another "set." Unfortunately, we only had time to get through 4 of the 6 stations on our 2nd set, and didn't have time for the 3rd either.I know, I know, we were just heartbroken. Even God took pity on us and blew in some cool air covering up the blistering sun there at the end.

We finish up with a revelation from Drill Sergeant about what we should eat and how many calories we are supposed to consume. It has something to do with adding a zero to the end of our weight and fat grams, sodium, blah, blah, blah. And, I'm thinking, "ice cream sounds goooood. I deserve some ice cream after all of that."

So, with my arms dragging the ground, I lumber back to my car and make plans to go run with Blondie tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I can't lift my arms above my elbows and the 1/2 gallon of creamy goodness in my freezer is too damn heavy for me to pick up. So, I settle for water, a shower because Tallion is scrunching up his face at my smell while I tell him about boot camp, and my nice comfy bed.