Diary of a Wimpy Mom

Boot Camp - Day 1:
So, two of my girlfriends, we'll call them Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum for this story talked me into this 6-week boot camp (maybe I should be Tweedle-dum). So, scratch that, we'll call them Brownie (no relation to the Katrina "Heck of a job Brownie" that I'm aware of) and Blondie, and yes, that leaves me as Tweedle-dum. "It'll be fun!" they said. "We'll look gooooood!" they said. Whatever...

So, we start out with the indignity of having to weigh ourselves in front of everyone else and record it on a permanent card that has our name on it. During that process, Blondie tries so hard to sneak a peak at Brownie's weight on the scale, that she practically has her head in between Brownie's legs. I wished I'd had my camera for that! Brownie had told us to "GET BACK!"

If that wasn't humiliating enough, we then had to take turns with the measuring tape and measure our thighs (URGH), our arms - Drill Sergeant said to get that part that "waves back when you wave", and our belly (Seriously?!) and call out these measurements to each other - Yea me! So, the three of us take turns measuring. Any delusions I had of being only slightly larger than I was in high school completely went out the door. Drill Sergent doesn't want you having happy delusions. It turns out that Blondie and I are about the same size - measurements and all. Of course, Blondie bimbo just had a baby, which she made sure to mention. I had a baby too - 5 years ago.

One might think that the worst is over, and one would be wrong.

Drill Sergeant proceeds to guide us through our stations. Let me tell you that 50 reps doesn't sound so bad when you are just visiting each station as he demonstrates. It takes on a whole new meaning when you are doing the squats with a gargantuan weight bar thing with weights on the end, and jumping over obstacles, and doing pull ups, and incline push ups, and these weird sit up side twist kick things while holding the gargantuan weight bar thing over your head, and finishing up with weights that you have to squat with (didn't we do those already?) and lift over your head. What's Drill Sergeants' obsession with weights over your head????!!!

So, Brownie and I (we had to pair up) finish up our "set" and I find out that we are supposed to do that whole thing 2 (that is 1 and 2) T-W-O more times. At this point, my arms are barely functioning, and Drill Sergeant is yelling at me to "run on my toes" in between stations. He doesn't seem to understand that my ass was left back at station 2 and my arms fell off at station 4.

But, we get a water break (I had already had a few of those, but we won't let Drill Sergeant know that). Drill Sergeant announces that we are going to quickly stretch. Sweet - I can do that! I get a mat to sit down on and everything. It turns out that somehow in Drill Sergeant's over developed muscle mind he thinks that more push ups and holding oneself up in a push up is a stretch. Yeah, I had to skip some of the "stretching". I think Drill Sergeant had a bar bell dropped on his head and forgot that stretching does NOT include push ups of any kind.

We finish up our "stretching" and move on to another "set." Unfortunately, we only had time to get through 4 of the 6 stations on our 2nd set, and didn't have time for the 3rd either.I know, I know, we were just heartbroken. Even God took pity on us and blew in some cool air covering up the blistering sun there at the end.

We finish up with a revelation from Drill Sergeant about what we should eat and how many calories we are supposed to consume. It has something to do with adding a zero to the end of our weight and fat grams, sodium, blah, blah, blah. And, I'm thinking, "ice cream sounds goooood. I deserve some ice cream after all of that."

So, with my arms dragging the ground, I lumber back to my car and make plans to go run with Blondie tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I can't lift my arms above my elbows and the 1/2 gallon of creamy goodness in my freezer is too damn heavy for me to pick up. So, I settle for water, a shower because Tallion is scrunching up his face at my smell while I tell him about boot camp, and my nice comfy bed.