Diary of a Wimpy Mom

Boot Camp: Day 2

Today was all about creative counting. Drill Sergeant started out with a surprise for us. (I don’t know about you, but I like my surprises to come in small blue boxes with white ribbons, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have one of those.) He walks up from out of nowhere and tells us to drop everything except our water bottles. Apparently someone had complained that we weren’t getting enough cardio. (What idiot said that?!) We trudge back across the parking lot to put everything in the car then Drill Sergeant says, “Run!”

We make our way down Mays to the Starry parking lot where we find a big ole’ box full of Girl Scout cookies. (I think we need a cookie break. Drill Sergeant says not so much. I think Drill Sergeant is testing us.)

We run down to the back parking lot of the Beauty School to find our stations scattered throughout the parking lot. I swear this guy is going to be the death of me. He has reverse pull up bars tied to a chain link fence, split-level push-ups, a step side crunch thing, that damn gargantuan weight bar for more squats, another weight station, and another gargantuan weight bar for crunches and roll outs.

I know you’re thinking "well that doesn’t seem so bad." Yeah right. During the pull up thing the three of us are working it so fast, that fence just about gave out (so did we). And, I did all of this with the sorry excuse of a circle mat that was as big as my butt, as thick as a sheet of paper, and positioned on top of a pointy rock. Yes, I did 50 reverse pull ups sitting with a rock up my ass! Well, it probably wasn’t 50, because that was when I decided that some creative counting was in order. Whenever Brownie was done, I was done.

We moved on to the split-level push-ups. Yes, good ol’ regular push-ups aren’t good enough for this guy. I thought I was going to lose my left arm. It really isn’t cut out for that kind of strain, and when Brownie and Blondie were done, I was done.

At station 3 we had to stand on the ground with one foot on this HUGE step thing that was on the grass - up on the curb. Then we had to do this step up side crunch thing. I thought I was going to die. My legs have never burned so bad in my life. We were supposed to do 50 on each freaking side. Dude, I started counting by 5s.

I couldn’t possibly run to the next station so I’m shuffling along and Drill Sergeant yells, “Taylor on your toes, get to movin’ there are people coming up behind you.” Drill Sergeant must also be blind, because everyone else was dragging their asses too.

Drill Sergeant must like squats with that gargantuan weight bar thing because that was station 4. HELLO! Didn’t we just finish working that muscle group, because that muscle seems to think so!

There he goes again, “Taylor you’re supposed to run between stations.” “I did – you missed it,” I retort.

At station 5, Drill Sergeant wanted us to balance on one foot with the other foot in the air behind us while lifting weights. Who does he think we are – trapeze artists? It actually wasn’t all that hard, but Brownie and Blondie were really having a hard time balancing. They got me laughing so hard I thought I was going to go ass over tea kettle.

The last station involved the crunches and roll outs. We have to balance the gargantuan weight bar thing on our feet and do crunches. I can finally do this. But, Brownie gets through a few of them and pants, “I can’t do these, I’ll have to do ‘em at home.” (Seriously? We paid to work out with this guy and she’s going to do stuff at home? Whatever.) With the peanut gallery going I was laughing so hard I couldn’t get to 25.

We flip over with our hands on the weight bar and knees on the ground and (no kidding) roll the bar along the ground using our abs and arms. Blondie shouts out to Drill Sergeant that she can’t do these because SHE just had a baby. She gets a pass – what a B****.

So, Blondie takes it upon herself to start telling Brownie how she’s doing it all wrong, and all of a sudden she is cracking up laughing. I look over to see Brownie spread eagle with her face in the ground – the bar had slipped out from under her from doing it Blondie's way. I’m sorry, but there is nothing funnier than seeing a person fall – especially if they aren’t hurt.

Drill Sergeant comes over to see what all the commotion is about (I don’t think we are supposed to laugh that loud in boot camp). Brownie tries to recreate what she was doing, and Drill Sergeant tells her she's doing it all wrong and makes her do it the way she was doing it in the first place and she tells him so. He asked her why she thought she was doing it wrong and Brownie retorted that “Blondie over there, the one sitting on her butt, was telling me that I was doing it wrong.”

We got to do that lovely set twice, and if you thought my counting was creative the first time, you should’ve heard it the second time.

We regroup for our water break before heading back, and Drill Sergeant had apparently emailed out a food chart thing for us to follow. Some schmuck in the back (probably the one that said we weren’t doing enough cardio) complained that he can’t possibly eat as much as Drill Sergeant wants him to eat. Dude, that is soooo NOT my problem. I love food way too much. I make sure to let Drill Sergeant know that I’ll get right on that diet plan when I get the form. He says that isn’t a problem, I should’ve known then to keep my mouth shut.

So, I’m thinking instead of running back, someone should go get my car. When I suggested this to Drill Sergeant, he didn’t seem to think it was a good idea. In fact, he met me on the way back to give me my food chart and daily food journal to start following immediately.

Brownie beat us back to the car, and with a perky smile tells us “Hey, Baskin Robbins has 31 cent scoops today til 10 “. I offer to spot Brownie and Blondie a scoop. We get to Baskin Robbins and there are like 30 people waiting in a line that is bigger than the dinky Baskin Robbins. We proceed through the drive thru with Brownie yelling in the back, “Get a car!” (I’m glad the windows were rolled up.) “I don’t know why they’re just standing there.” We go around the back to the drive-thru and the damn thing is closed. We have to drive by the crowd gathered out front and they are laughing their asses off at us as we drive by without our sweet treat. I was really looking forward to a nice refreshing daiquiri ice in a sugar cone. I think Drill Sergeant is testing us again. Damn Drill Sergeant.