After going in for my initial appointment to see if I’m a good candidate, sitting through an hour sales pitch, and asking questions verifying that yes, in fact, they can completely remove the hair in the areas I want, I take my quote home to hubby to discuss. My birthday, Mother’s Day and our anniversary are all coming up soon. So, he tries to surprise me with the whole package.
The surprise is foiled however, when the laser center in question (actual name rhymes with laser center) calls me to confirm the package and set up an appointment. This is despite the fact that he explicitly said that it was a surprise gift that wouldn’t occur for a couple of weeks.
So, after the blown surprise, I set up my first laser appointment. Upon entering the facility, you are instructed to wait in a small waiting area before being ushered back to a room. After the tech comes to get me, we are walking to the back when I hear: “Ahhhhh! Oh s*#@! Ouch! Ooooooo!Eeee!”
Me, in horror: “Is someone in labor?”
Blonde tech whispering and giggling: “Oh, no, she’s just a little sensitive.”
Me giving blonde tech a raised eyebrow scrunched up face look that makes me look like the Bride of Frankenstein: “Seriously?”
Blonde tech, giggling again: “Oh, yes, most people just feel a little snap kind of like a rubber band popping you.”
Okay, let’s just stop right here. My dog trainer was over the other day to work with our beast of a wild dog. After months of training, he brought out the big guns – a shock collar. I know what you’re thinking, I was horrified at first too, but it really isn’t all that bad. He demonstrated it on me by having me hold it in my hand. He zapped me on a 1. He said, “Did you feel that?”
“Yes, of course I felt that, it tingles like something is vibrating my hand.”
Dog trainer: “Oh, you must be very sensitive because most people don’t feel it until at least a 2.”
So, yes, for some reason, I feel everything. I feel it when an ovarian cyst bursts inside my body. It is highly painful and most people never feel it. I feel the softest touch. My nerve endings are highly sensitive.
So, I go in for my first laser hair removal appointment. I’m basically getting my ENTIRE body done. No, I’m not a hairy beast, but I like to be hair free, so here we go.
“Holy…. AHHHHH. Oh my god. Hmmm.”
By the time I’m done, the tech is convinced that I suffer from Tourettes. Hubby starts coining phrases like “hot crotch” to describe my now lobster like skin. Let me tell you, I’ve been popped with a rubber band, and no way does this feel comparable. Whatever, you do build up a tolerance for it – or at least that is what I’m told. After a few treatments (about a year later), I really don’t feel much anymore.
Think you want laser too? Three years later, I still have enough hair left that I have to shave each day plus I’ve had two burns from the techs that rotate out of there like it’s a ride on the Ferris wheel. The first burn was on my face when they accidentally zapped the hair on my head that was lying on my face. It burned the side of my face and left a line where the hair was. Then I got a whopper of a burn up and down my shin. It looked like someone mistook my leg for a fish and tried to grill it. They actually had to give me microderm to remove the scar.
And, as for not feeling it much anymore? Well, that is because for over a year, they had it turned down really low so that not only did I not feel anything, but it also wasn’t removing any hair.
After three years of erratic treatments with each tech having their own ways of doing it as well as their own rules, I was left with over 50% hair on my legs, among other places. Over these three years, I had several meetings with the managers there (another revolving door position) to try and get a handle on this. None of them really did anything about it, although they assured me that they were going to. One tech will run through the treatment with the thing beeping in the air, while others will tell you that they can’t get that spot around your eyebrows.
Funny thing is, when they are selling it to you, they can get all of those places. I guess the sales manager doesn’t actually talk to the people they train. The laser centers’ suggestion to me? They were gracious enough to offer to sell me another package. I’m sorry, maybe I’m crazy, but after $3000 and 3 years, and they weren’t able to completely remove hair from any one of the “treatment areas” and I decided to pass.
